The Fail in International Labour Law defense
Terrible day, Some time after I woke
up, and washed my teeth and fixed my bed I tried to pray, although
to be honest I was unwilling to. I was unwilling to pray the
previous night as well, just like the previous 2 or 3 days. Just
when praying I received an sms I wondered who he is.. it happened
to be my boss urging me to check my mail urgently. I checked my
mail it seems he has written me an email the previous night at
12:40 or something requesting to change the DNSes for the new site
of design bg. Afterwards he called, there was a lot of stress
during the whole day because I had to do numerous things. On top of
that I had to present in International Labour Law and I was not
well prepared I have serious problems with memorizing things so I
cannot really prepare. I tried to pray a couple of times beseeching
God in the name of Jesus Christ to grant me a pass. To be honest
the whole project was a mess. The presentation just like the
teachers said was horrible. The questions they asked us were quite
unclear and mixed (most probably on purpose) ... after then they
asked us to go out of the room and come back in a few minutes. I
went in they said that unfortunately it's not pass. And we screw it
up and we have to do it again the written project and also the
presentation. They even mocked us a bit. Not to mention that
through the presentation I felt so nervous .. and was quite below
my capacity. Philip Da Ponte noticed that I have to develop my
expression because I lack the vocabulary to express some of the
things and I really did. But I have days I'm completely blackholed
.. like today. Alan (my group mate) sent me an email in which he
established a plan for how are we going to redo the project and has
compiled a group of questions the teachers might ask us the next
time. I have deep inner struggles ... I felt so bad. I went home
and ate some food without even taking the time to thanks to God. I
felt so betrayed because God didn't answer my prayer or better to
say said "No". I had the realization that I don't have the power
nor the desire to study in this university any more it's not news.
This kind of things are tormetting me badly since the end of
December. I explained quite clear to my parents that I won't make
it. They don't believe me. Recently I explained them over a skype
talk that I have the intention to become a priest, a monk or a
hermit. I told them straight that I don't belong to this world and
where I am now is not my real place. My mother has argued and tried
to convince me that this is erroneous and I'm exactly where I
should be. During the day I felt so bad I have that strong desire
to kill myself just like before, I feel weak and lost. And my faith
is a kind of broken or dysfunctioning at the moment. A little later
I talk via skype with a couple of friends Nomen, Stelian, Nikokay.
Stelian or (stelt) for short probably has prayed a it for me
because after I shared him my concerns and my bad state I felt a
little better it's worthy to mention that he is Orthodox Christian
just like me and he is the one partly responsible for bringing me
in the Orhotox Church. A little than an hour ago I had my dinner. A
cup a soup thing, e.g. you just dissolve the packaged soup into hot
water. After the soup I ate two pieces of bread (one with a sort of
russian salad and one only with margarine). Now I'll probably take
a shower because my hair is really greasy. I felt extremely weak
during whole day, my physical condition is not good as well. I've
commited my life in the hands of God (The Holy Trinity) what will
happen is completely up to him. If he grants me peace and grace and
power and restores my health and forgives my iniquity I'll be
restored and healed. If not I'll continue to suffer badly and I
have absolutely no clue where all this will end. I should mention
that yesterday some demonic spirits has tormented me in a bad way.
This dorm is infested with demonic spirits but praise be to the
Father through Jesus our Saviour for not letting my life in the
evil ones hands ...