In a Big Distress
I feel in a huge distress these days.
My heart tears on a thousand of pieces. I have clashes and quarrels
at school. Today I almost cracked out during one of the IBP
meetings. The devil tries to oppress me hardly. I broke the Lent a
bit because I bought a coffee from a vending machine at school and
I realized it contains milk right after I have paid for it since I
have paid I couldn't just leave it. On Sunday there was a liturgy
in the Russian Orthodox Church here in Anrnhem. The previous two
nights aunt Zlatina and her husband slept at my place. I guess
these had a good influence on me, however it was pretty ugly that
they smoked so much in my room. I couldn't stand the smoke anymore.
I'm broken hearted as I said already. I have some confort in
reading my Orthodox Bible. Although it is a Lent time the priests
in the Orthodox church did drinked that really distracted me since
they insist on keeping the fast and the saviour Jesus has
prescribed us to fast. If I break the fast well that's okay but
they are supposed to keep it since they are into priesthood.
However I did sinned with thinking this bad thoughts in my heart I
don't have the right to judge them. Today I had SHR Meeting. Things
are sleeping out of my mind. To be honest I feel like a completely
dying man... Oh Lord please help me, sustain me in my infirmity and
madness. Don't leave me fail and become a laughingstock for the
ungodly. My mind is pretty much distracted this days as well. I
don't have a desire for anything ... Day after day just existing.
To be honest I experience bad feelings and the more I look in
myself I see wrongness and sinfulness and evil. I just pray that
the Lord have mercy on my and grant me to pass my stuff this
semester. I had a bit of work with launching a new site design for
one of the hosted websites and had some unclearances before all got
resolved. My discography of Larry Norman which I'm downloading is
on it's way to me. And I'll have it in a couple of hours, at least
that's nice. I asked the Lord for forgiveness and experienced a bit
of relief as well as when I was reading the bible I felt okay.. The
teachears are preaching a psychologic method called Transactional
Analysis, which is I think pretty much demonic, they use it
heavily, more about that could be seen on wikipedia
TA