Sick again – Hoping God to solve it all – and no desire to study

Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I’m starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can’t unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can’t take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room’s repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I’m ashamed of myself (But it’s an act of desperation). By the way I don’t have any desire to study anymore I’d like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I’ll continue to live otherwise I guess I’ll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God’s spirit I remember the Bible’s instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It’s like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don’t believe). I’m sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God’s rightous probably that’s what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I’m very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness … Something have to change or I’ll be gone …END—–

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