Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I’m starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can’t unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can’t take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room’s repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I’m ashamed of myself (But it’s an act of desperation). By the way I don’t have any desire to study anymore I’d like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I’ll continue to live otherwise I guess I’ll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God’s spirit I remember the Bible’s instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It’s like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don’t believe). I’m sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God’s rightous probably that’s what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I’m very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness … Something have to change or I’ll be gone …END—–
Posts Tagged ‘central park’
Wine in The Central Park
Friday, January 11th, 2008I and Alex Drunk Asenovgrad’s Mavrut in the central park it was very cold, but at least an experience. Right now I’m a little hot (cause of the wine). I’m urinating too often recently and it drives me mad. Also I’m a kind of lost I told Sasho about Torsion fields and stuff but he make a fun of that no matter I think that’s a serious matter here is an interview with Nikolay Palushev that may be of an interest to the reader
http://www.spiralata.net/kratko/articles.php?lng=bg&pg=128 .
Today I had English in the college pretty boring haven’t had a lot of work I had to fix few binary permissions part of a postfix also delete some old backups and create a new samba share some mail server problems for few minutes I think that’s all … I hate this world so much everything is so useless and awful. I hope to meet God soon …
Friday Night
Sunday, January 20th, 2008At Friday I, Zuio and Kiro (Kumcho Vylcho :). Went in the central park with a bottle of wine and 2l of beer. After the alcoholwas depleted Zuio suggested to buy 2 more bottles of wine. And we got very drunk it’s a miracle we are now fine.Yeterday I had a terrible headache. Yesterday I was on a birthday of Andon (Blackstar^) :). Tomorrow I haveexam in HRQM. I haven’t seriously studied yet. So I had to sit on my back and study.END—–
Troubled Day
Thursday, April 5th, 2007It was a day full of waiting. The Admin/tech support personel in sofia is a real pain in the ass. I waited half a day for a simple debian base install. The guy installed debian over already installed freebsd on a server we sent destined for colocation in evolink. The machine is great dual 3ghz Xeon with 3 x 70 gb SCSI discs. In 4:00 o’clock I received a mail with username and password of the server, but the system was unaccessible for 1 more hour. I got really nervous I received tons of calls from the boss, our project Manager, Vladi the PHP programmer. I logged to the server in 5:00 and configured apache with mysql upto 10:00 o’clock then did a little walk with nomen in the central park and drinked one beer per capita. I had to meet Static and Amri in 6:00 o’clock but I was busy configuring the new rack so I missed a great oportunity to have fun with old friends. ORDER has to come back to Bulgaria, today or even he maybe is already in Varna. I’m quite impatient to see him! In the afternoon I went to some spiritual downfalls but now Thanks to God I’m alive and well. The pozvanete site already points to the new rack so I hope the machine would be able to serve it’s goal perfect. This will be made clear in the morning. Soon I’m going to bed. Glory be to God for fulfilling me with his love and sustaining my life and keeping me from evil! END—–
How my day passed
Monday, June 25th, 2007My day started at 10:00 when a man called and asked is his Windows preinstalled and I pointed him to call to Nomen because his computer was in Nomen. Later I met Nomen and we have a walk in the central park. Then we went to see Jivko the Beggar. Hel told us a story how a skinhead started throwing stones at him for no reason … A sort of protestant Christian came and started telling me very messed things about Christ his new life etc. etc. I told him that I would send him to a hospital If I had the power :]. After that I met Lily and we walked for sometime together on my way to my uncle. I tried to read/explain him The New Testament “The Gospel of Mark”. But every time I started telling him how Christ has paid the price for us with his Holy Blood, and how He exchanged his rightfulness for our unrightfulness he started to get sleepy (strange). After that we had a great dinner together, I decided to stay for the dinner just because I wanted to suggest them to pray before eating, we prayed together with “The Lord’s Prayer”. After that I decided to walk to Mino’s coffee and I drinked a beer there with Ceco and Dido. After that I went home and spend some time reading posts on the “http://whygodwonthealamputees.com”. This forums are addictive but seems that are disturbing for my spiritual health, so I should to visit this place. I read some Christians on the Topic some of them were interesting it’s seems St. Anthony healed amputees so someday It’s vital to read about the Living of this Saint. The day passed comparingly untroublful for which I may only give a thanks to God :]. Few times during the day I hhave lost the point of where my life is going to and I doubt about my faith and Christ as a Saviour and the meaning of life, but it’s unescapable it’s the devil work to put lies into my head in the end :].END—–
Light, Camera, Action!
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007It was a pretty hot day. In the morning we discussed a lot about the idea to move one of the colocated servers from Netinfo to Evolink. Also I have moved www.bcc.bg from one machine to another did various other Job, plamenko come home and we uploaded some of his other videos, Damqncho called and was my guest for some time ( This guy is going to become a good man in Faith I’m sure). In 6:00 we had to go to the ex-calculation center and to sign for the Cisco Academy with Mitko but it happened that he had urgent work in Balchik so I have to go alone. I used Plamenko’s bike to go to the calculation center which was located at the end of the city (Riding bike is great !). I signed for Cisco and signed also Niki (Mitko’s brother) and Niki. So we are going to share the same Cisco class! :]. After that I went to Mitko’s home to explain to his brother about the cisco way of studying. Also I forgot to mention that Doncho, has given us all the material for the semestar on a cd, we are going to have 4 semesters for the first degree, each of the semestars is going to be something like 2 months or so, the practice is going to be in Saturday. Later I have met Alex and we drink beer together. Later I saw Lily for a while and we had a walk I met Galio ( A homeless boy :[), and bought him some food, later I realised that I have lost my wallet with some money I walked again the walk where I walked after I bought him food but I didn’t found it I get a little distressed but at the same time I was feeling very calm (unusual for such a situations ). I have put my hope God would give it back. First I suspected that Galio has stolen the wallet from me but I was wrong this boy respects me. I found Galio and asked him did he stole the money, he denied to be guilty and I trusted him because he was honest. He was very kind to me he came with me looking again over all the way where I have walked at last I suggested to look in the central park where we have drinked beer together with Alex, under the bench where we have seated Me and Galio found the Wallet. And we got really happy about this. I checked my wallet there was 22 lv in there. When we was still searching the wallet I promised to God that If we found the wallet I will give 10 lv. to for his kindness and concern about my problem. After I have found the wallet I have completed my promise. Galio walked with me up to my home. The End. The only think that I can say after all this is PRAISE THE LORD, BLESS HIS HOLY NAME OH HEAVENS AND EARTH AND ALL LIVING, AND OH MY SOUL BLESS THE LORD GOD! BLESSED BE OH LORD!!!! :] END—–
Today
Thursday, July 19th, 2007It was quite a peaceful day, I didn’t have a lot of work. Plamenko come home at 4:30. I went to see my grandmo.My grandmo said that there was some mistake and she has to pay for the last month much higher bill than avarageand somebody have to go to report this to the Local Electricity Office, so I take Plamenko’s bike and rided.I like riding bicycle, maybe I have to buy one after that I worked a little ( currently I have to move a dozenof websites sites from one server to another ). In 6:30 I have a walk with Mitko and we drinked coffee on the Chineese Restaurant. After from 08:00 to 10:30 I was home, and then I went out. I and Plamenko went to the Old Dobrich City to Mino’s coffee. I took Plamenko’s bike and used it to ride to a common places where Mitko and the other guys would probably be. I found them in the Central Park and we stayed there for some time. Sasho ( Saketo ), come and stayed with us and explained he’s trying to stop drugs until February. And he doesn’t take drugs since then, not much of the people believed him, but I really hope what he says is truth and God would help him to stop using drugs. Everything seems clear because The Lord is probably taking an eye on me :] So I Bless the Lord for his mercy! Blessed be Lord of Hosts!END—–
What’s going around Lately
Saturday, April 19th, 2008Nothing special. Last week went just fine thanks to the Lord ! Of Course :). It was mostly peaceful. What was interesting was a method our teacher at management choose to use to make us better understand ourselves. She said I want all of you to draw me a picture of how do you foresee yourself ten years from now :). We all was surprised but just as she requested we did draw the pictures. My picture had 4 possibly futures. In one of them I was with my wife and a kid in front of our house, on the other I was owning and leading an IT company. On one of them I was helping to get out of the terrible pit of depression, addiction to drug, alcoholism, telling them “Stop there is a reason to live, God Loves you!”. In the other case I was a Senior SysAdmin in a middle size/big company managing servers/clusters. Now we had to make a report explaining our picture. I just did make my report hope the teacher would like it. Yesterday, Bino came home and proposed to go out, we went out we saw Stoyan (who btw is a Brother in Christ). Later we saw Dancho a friend of mine (a communist). First we started a normal talk later the talk just transformed into a terrible and useless argue I did a mistake not stopping whenever I had to. And in the end we decided not to see each other because it’s bad for both of us. Later Alex (an ex class-mate) called me and we went we had a walk in the central park and talked ’bout if I can say it like this “the life, the universe, and everything else” :). The next few weeks outline to be a tough one. We are going to have a lot of exams 8 or 9 ! We had a lot of projects and assignments but still I trust on the Holy one to help me make all of them and do just fine on the exams just like he helped me the last semester and the previous year.END—–
What’s goin on recently
Sunday, June 15th, 2008At Saturday I had my first driving license. The instructor let me drive on the road for Balchik. Happily the driving went smoothly of course I made a lot of mistakes which is pretty normal for a first time driving. In the afternoon we went out for a walk with Niki. We just went out when Vlado (Hellpain) called, he came back to Dobrich for a day, we met for a coffee after which we stayed for 2 hours in the central park. Today as usual I attended the liturgy at the orthodox Church. Today it’s a big Christian Orthodox holiday, it’s the day in which the Our Lord Jesus Christ send the Holy Spirit to the early Church fathers (the apostles). The apostles heard a great noise and they see the Holy Spirit descending from heaven in a form of burning tongues, each tongue coming above the head of each of the apostles and the rest of the first believers in our Lord and Saviour Jesus. I’m still in doubt should I decide to go or not to the Netherlands. I applied for a room there through http://vivare.nl yesterday. But still haven’t received a confirmation for approval and I haven’t send a deposit for a room. I made research about the Arnhem Business School (ABS) and talked and I’m talking with a friend who went to study in Holland the last year. In the afternoon I watched an old russian movie which is marked as a SCI-FI genre (Kin Dza Dza), I got the title from the top 20 in IMDB. Yeah I can say that the movie was pretty freaky :). Vladi did call me again and said one of the servers in the office had crashed I spoke with of my colleagues with a request to go to the office and restart the box but it seems the box isn’t booting. Tomorrow I’ll catch an early bus for Varna and went to the office to see what’s wrong with the machine (hope it’s not a serious hardware problem). That’s most of it. To be honest although God grants me a lot of his divine grace I still feel a bit of lost and pathless and struggle to fight my lack of faith, and bad habits. I’m praying everyday for a physical healing but I still haven’t completely recovered from my sickness. I have sinned badly in my past and I deserve to have that sickness but still I honestly I’m repenting day after day for my bad life in the past and the near present … Another think I should say is that a friend of mine has died I saw his obituary hanging on a tree 🙁 , His name was Alexander (Sashe) known among us by the nickname (Saketo), he was a drug addict and that killed him I hope he is with God know peace be upon him. END—–
