Well I’m not so sick anymore. I’m feeling bad emotionally spiritually. I’m not sure. I have no idea what’s happening in my life. I don’t see the guidance of God. I’m having sexual thoughts and wan’t to sleep with some female, I guess this is not good since I’m a christian. Actually I really don’t have idea what to do with my life. FUCK I’m so LOST! I was out with Lily for a pizza and a coffee smoked 4 cigarettes then went to a new Market here in the town. Well the market was very brighty and clean, on two stages the one was a food/bevarage market. The other with tech stuff. Some time before we went to the market. My mood got fucked up and I stopped talking. Well shit why the Hell I’m here. I have a re-exam in Monday. It was supposed to study at something today. But my state didn’t allows me too. I just want to lay somewhere and die. I’m so lost I feel spiritually broken again. How much, how much will this thing continue. When will God bless me with that which my soul desires? Will I be alive for this moment? I’m wondering more and more. I’ve read some of my bible after I went home some prophecies about the End Times, the book was Ezdra. After that listened a little of NiN feeled even more bad than before right now I’m listening again to http://www.christianindustrial.net. Lord where are you leading me too? Why don’t see a vision for my life? Does my life have really a meaning and what it is. I’ve googled for some time for a phrase like “Christianity not working for me” and found a page which claimed. There is no life after death as classical Christianity claims and that heaven and hell are internal states experienced, here on earth, I think maybe there is some truth in this to some extent. Guess time will show (Or maybe Death).
Posts Tagged ‘life’
Feeling Bad
Saturday, January 27th, 2007People Just Pretend
Sunday, January 28th, 2007I’m starting to realize that there is no actually friendship in life. I’m starting realize, ppl use you time after time. I’m sick of existence. I want to go out of this Hell. Why I’m Here Why? What makes the difference with or without me? Nobody cares in general. I’m so disappointed of this miserable existence here on earth even. My life is not so bad but with or without God it’s so meaningless. I want out of this body and this universe. I want Freedom in the END. I want real things I’m sick of all this. As Buddha says everything is chaning nothing seems to be static, he is right about this! I never imagined I’ll be the person which I’m now. I hate my life. Please take my life Lord. Let me out of this miserable Place Please! Body My holding Cell …
Quiet and Peaceful Day
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007The day was Peaceful and Quiet. After I wake up Narf called and we see each other in front of the college, Nomen was ther elso we drink coffee on the fountain. Mitko told us experiences he had from Sofia, we laughed a lot. Then we go to the Chineese restaurant with Amridikon and Needless. I like the Rise with Vegetables there really awesome food :]. After that I bought “A Practical Teacher in C” and went home. Lily come home for 10 minutes, I read the Holy Bible for some time then I read The Living of the Martyr’s. Later Niki and Habib come home, and was my guests for some time. After that I take a shower chatted a little with Order and now I intend to go to bed. Thanks to God for taking care for my life and giving me peace and joy through his Holy Spirit. Thanks God!END—–
Need something to push me go on
Monday, June 25th, 2007The day didn’t started good. I feel lonely although I know I’m not, hope this won’t waste for too long. I hope something would happen into my life to give me a new breath and power to continue the path destined for me.END—–
Sunday
Monday, July 9th, 2007The day went faster than normal other days. I wake up in the morning went to Church on Liturgy.Then I went home watched some Cartoon Network. Later I decided going to my uncle to read himthe bible for some time, but he was not home I take a watermelon from the local market for mygrandmother. It’s nice to see somebody being happy about something :]. Later i went to my uncle.It’s sad to see someone like in his condition :[. I really want he to get better I read himfrom the Bible The Holy Evangelic text of Luka, I hope at least he has understood somethingfrom the Evangelical Text. Habib called home from London later, this was a real joyHabib is such a nice guy i really want God to bless him in everyhing for he desirves.We spake a lot about the life in England. The bad conditions there, the low paid job,how hard he is living there. About how we miss as friends, about some close friends.After the conversation I decided to go out. I first went to the Mino’s coffee. There weresome people there but I got angry at the non-sense conversations and decided to go to theFountain actually there was almost the same. Later I Toto and Mitko drinked beer in thecity park. And I went home … After the usual Evening Orthodox Prayers I will go to bed in 20 or 30 minutes.END—–
6 days in sickness
Friday, August 10th, 2007My physical health was quite not good during the last 6 / 7 days. Today it was a quiet day.I haven’t prayed seriously for few days but I can’t. Since my life looks like going nowhere.There is almost nothing in this town which keeps me still. I went to the Old Dobrich inMino’s coffee. But after a little argue and being a little rude to a girl I leavedthis awful mess. This guys are not a good company/match for me. It seems I don’t have friendsexcept Lily. Well I hope at least I haven’t builded all the time for nothing.Thanks Goodness that at least at work there isn’t a lot of work so I’m in a period of recovery.The world is going mad. I’m starting to scare my self. Seems like, life is created to be livednot to think about it’s purpose.END—–
God’s mercy
Thursday, September 6th, 2007Glory be to the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit! The Lord is very merciful. I’ve thinked a lot about my life.And I’ve realized that I’ve done many mistakes and that I don’t strive to hear his voice. Nor to follow his path formy life. So recently I’m praying for the Lord to guide me and teach me how to hear and understand his voice!As he said in the Holy Bible: “My sheeps hear my voice”. He have to teach me howto hear his voice.Also I’ve prayed few days ago about a sallary increase and Hallelujah! Today When I went to Varna I saw howthe lord heard my prayer I have a sallary increase. But I was increadibly happy because the Lord is hearing my prayers.Currently I think that God is healing my physical sickness. For which Glory be to Him The One Ever Living Lord and Our Lord Jesus Christ. Also I was very happy that a friend (Stoian) with which we discussed the topics of Our Faith the last Yeastern has received Christ as a Saviour. And is also going to the Orthodox Church. He has something I have lost a lot of days before the Fire in me the Lord has fired when I believed. Thanks Lord ! for every mercy and blessing you’re doing towards me.Mostly the last days I start realizing that we are so sinful and our minds are so deluded that we try to explain The Existence of God ( Something I tried to do for a very long time ), without actually seeking God but using our human knowledge and understanding. Let God not give me to do this anymore. Blessed, Blessed, Blessed are you Lord Shabbaoth Glory to your Heavenly Throne! I even smiled today looking at the sky :] God is merciful!!! END—–
No Title
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008Today I helped my cousing to fix his internet connection on a laptop.
The laptop was running Vista. A real nightmare, this OS is really heavy and even messier than Windows XP.
What else I’m trying to cope with life. Life is tough. What I can say….
Also I started a vsftp server on a FreeBSD box it took me some time because of configuration issues.
Right now I’mtrying to run a snort server still unsuccessfully for some reason the snort daemon does not start.
In the college everything is going in the old manner, except we have started studying Marketing II and another subject I forgot the name it is supposed to be something like statistics. The day was quiet with a bit of work.
END—–
Night in Mino
Thursday, April 17th, 2008The day ran mostly smoothly for which thanks and praise the Lord of course ! I was at school we had a long discussion ofworld economic system, the possible future of humanity also physics, latest science discovery, philosophy etc. etc.Later I worked for some time, then Geri came home and asked me to help her to fix her computer because it didn’twant to start. The problem was trivial I only have to unplug all the power supply calbles and plug them on againand it ran fine. In the evening we went out with Javor and because there was no free tables on the coffee “The Fountain”,we went to Mino’s coffee and I drinked one tea. I learned today about a very interesting blues singer his name isStevie Ray Vaughan and his band is called “Double Trouble”, this guy Stevie Ray Vaughan is famous with this that heis the best white blues musician. Also I should mention I prayed and well yes I think this is how my day just went by.I should say that the presence of God in our life is the most precious thing. I can clearly see now that without himeverything just blews and wents away. I have to extensively thank him for he being so merciful to me :)END—–
