A trip to Nijmegen & Suffering in Christ
This terrible constant pain feeling that's inside is there to stay.
I do keep my attempts to isolate what is the cause of it. I have a
couple of theories. That it might be related to the water in the
dormitory here or the place itself. Like we know from the bible
that there are cursed places, like Sodom was before God destroyed
it, however we know also that Lot was rightous and God spared him.
I also recently have red while I was doing my usual bible readings
before sleep time that our Lord Jesus commanded the Holy Apostles
to say "Peace be to this house" regarding every house they used to
enter. The Lord said if the house is worthy let apostles peace be
there. I just experimented with this I said in the house "Peace be
to that house" with the hope that this place God might consider
worthy. However I have so much internal struggles apart from the
pain I'm constantly facing temptations from the enemy of
accusations of other people and claims that they do stuff wrong,
satan is trying to influence me really badly. Yesterday I was on a
verge to a burn out. This week I had plenty of work to do. I tried
my best. Many things happened this week. First on Tuesday under my
influence and the decision of our project manager to quit, we
experienced her statement that she is out of the project. We had to
select a new PM, after some voting there were two options between
two girls eventually we ended up with Ina being our new PM (I
wasn't completely convinced that this is the correct thing to do,
because of her dominant character, however at the end I accepted
the fact. And tried a couple of maneuvers with the clear aim to
clear up all sort of offenses that I raised again anybody in the
group and the same time to try to decrease the gap that's being
formed between me and some other "key" group members. The change of
the PM had been a wise choise since the old PM Bianca (great girl
btw!, really impressive) but the problem was she tried to manage
the group in too "open" way. And the students weren't of course on
the level to handle that, therefore she couldn't make it. Well I
suspect her exit of the project was quite planned and there is some
good reason between it as well as a benefit for everybody (guess
that was a strategic move). The teachers are quite a lot playing
with us, literally, manipulating the situation as always, I really
hate that Oh Lord I just hope that the Lord God would deliver me
from this evil thinkers. Well all this teachers I could see they
think that business could be profitable only if you act
manipulatively on ppl, hide your cards always plan and trigger
events on your behalf. Well I personally believe this is quite a
lot satanic, so I decide to follow God and not to follow this
behaviour. Or better to say take only parts of it like triggering,
but the way for triggering to be honesty and openness instead of
the opposite way. Anyways this post is getting too long so I'll try
to hasten it a bit. Yesterday we went with Zlati to Nijmegen as he
said he is coming here on Tuesday. He slept at my place, he went
out with some Asian guys, I had to went home to fix some stuff a
qmail installation on one of the new servers that I had to
configure for Winner Ltd. Happily with God's help I managed to
complete the task after a lot of tampering in the qmail components.
The day after we went with Zlati to Nijmegen, I had to note the two
way ticket was quite cheap (only 4.50 EUR). There weren't much to
be seen in Nijmegen, the only nice thing we saw there was actually
a couple of buildings as well as a probably traditional wedding in
the Netherlands.It was funny really the guests were taking pictures
with the bridegrooms infront of a Church, and they were on their
way to lock the Chuch right afterwards the marriage .. Oh Lord,
that was so bad to see we have gone so miserable and unbelieving
the wedding within a Church has become the next tradition we ppl
have to follow, not seen really as a union in front of God and
trhough God but just as something to make to tickle our selfishness
... Anyways we were having a walk around Nijmegen when my father's
cousin ringed and told me they are infront of the dormitory in
Arnhem. Well I had to ask her to wait for an hour because I was on
the neighbor city Nijmegen, but there was no way I expected them to
come later on at the evening. So hurried up a bit with our walk
around the city and it's shops. We got a free coffee in some pc
selling shop through a coffee machine provided by AMD! So cool,
great marketing. This machine pretty much did played a role in
convincing me to buy AMD if I have to buy a new CPU in the future.
We also take a look at a special alcohol grocery store, I haven't
seen so much alcohol brands in my life, that reminded me pretty
much to the winery we visited a couple of weeks before in
Amsterdam. I was thinking, people doesn't need so much choice it's
too much ... Well what I liked about communism was that at least
the choice was in a limits so you could possibly be aware of most
of the brands and be easy with them, instead of having so much
choice that you absolutely lost in what to choose. We entered a
couple of game selling specific shops ! Nice I would like to see
more of this in the future, well you know I used to be a gamer in
my past I guess this had left some trace of itself in me. Then we
catched the train back for Arnhem it was only a 20 minutes travel.
We were in Anrhem took the bus "connexion" and went back to the
dorm. My relatives "cousin Zlatina and uncle Ivailo" came along and
stayed at my room for the night, I loose myself a bit because I had
probably a demonic attack and on top of that I've received an email
from one of my bosses asking about some data about dbg dnses's ips.
I encountered the fact he needs our dnses so therefore I replied
him back with an email pointing to the dbg dns tutorial. He got mad
and replied back with an email attempting to accuse me that it's my
fault and I don't read my mails because he wanted the "IP
addresses". Then I got a bit irritated and at the same time felt
bad and firstly I thought that he might be right, but then after
rethinking it I realized that I did the right think because he
asked for DNS-es and actually it's not possible by RFC standards to
put an IP for a DNS. Thus I bringed him back an email explaining
all this and asked him for some more clarification on the matter in
order to know shall I do a records in the dbg dnses or not, since
then I never have received an email from, well thanks God. What
really pissed me of on top of that was a demonic forces which tried
to attack me, a spiritual sadness plus some desperation and
irritation from the fact that my partens had sent me food which
will sufficient for at least 3 months without me buying anythink
else than bread, they sent 6 box full of provisions, one of them
was fully full with Bulgarian tins containing meet and on top of
the box was ones containing pork meet. Heavens you could imagine
how irritated and hurt I was by all this considering the fact that
I said to my parents numerous times: " Do not send me tins, I'm fed
up with tins cause I eat tin food here, most of the time", anyways
they haven't really listened to me ... as usual so I got pissed up
and flared up(exploded). So I acted pretty stupid in front of my
cousin, then I had to give them two my apologies for the
stupidities I've said or done, but still I firstly begged them to
pick up all the tins containing meet, happily we ended to a consent
that they'll pick up the port tins and I'll eat the rest of the tin
after the Lent is over. However I felt pretty much bad of the fact
that i had to have a cardboard box full of meet containg tins
through the whole Lent period. I have to note that I did broke the
Lent already a lot of times because I had some cappuchino left for
drinking from before and yesterday also I ate a lot of Bulgarian
cheese together with my relatives, we also did had a nice chat and
drinked two small cups of the traditional drink "Rakia" i was
really refreshing really! Just to clarify things up a bit I usually
hate "Rakia", this time it was great
Then some few
hours later we went to bed I slept on a place where Plamen slept
next to the heater laying on a couple of pillows of a sofa jointed
together. I slept quite okay although only for a couple of hours. I
couldn't sleep more cause of Ivailo's voicy snoring. Today early in
the morning we drinked coffee together had another chat, they
encouraged me to be more brave and not to spirit lifted and I sent
them to continue with their travel to Belgium where they have to
look and buy some of the firnuture they sell in their tiny
futniture shop in Dobrich. Wow I know that post became huge ...
Thanks and Glory to God for keeping me still running on! Glory Oh
Lord! Recently I use to listen to a lot of Larry Norman related
music in last.fm, I feel it like quite beneficial for putting me
out of this terrible bitterness feeling that keeps to rule me on.
Glory God!