This terrible constant pain feeling
that's inside is there to stay. I do keep my attempts to isolate
what is the cause of it. I have a couple of theories. That it might
be related to the water in the dormitory here or the place itself.
Like we know from the bible that there are cursed places, like
Sodom was before God destroyed it, however we know also that Lot
was rightous and God spared him. I also recently have red while I
was doing my usual bible readings before sleep time that our Lord
Jesus commanded the Holy Apostles to say "Peace be to this house"
regarding every house they used to enter. The Lord said if the
house is worthy let apostles peace be there. I just experimented
with this I said in the house "Peace be to that house" with the
hope that this place God might consider worthy. However I have so
much internal struggles apart from the pain I'm constantly facing
temptations from the enemy of accusations of other people and
claims that they do stuff wrong, satan is trying to influence me
really badly. Yesterday I was on a verge to a burn out. This week I
had plenty of work to do. I tried my best. Many things happened
this week. First on Tuesday under my influence and the decision of
our project manager to quit, we experienced her statement that she
is out of the project. We had to select a new PM, after some voting
there were two options between two girls eventually we ended up
with Ina being our new PM (I wasn't completely convinced that this
is the correct thing to do, because of her dominant character,
however at the end I accepted the fact. And tried a couple of
maneuvers with the clear aim to clear up all sort of offenses that
I raised again anybody in the group and the same time to try to
decrease the gap that's being formed between me and some other
"key" group members. The change of the PM had been a wise choise
since the old PM Bianca (great girl btw!, really impressive) but
the problem was she tried to manage the group in too "open" way.
And the students weren't of course on the level to handle that,
therefore she couldn't make it. Well I suspect her exit of the
project was quite planned and there is some good reason between it
as well as a benefit for everybody (guess that was a strategic
move). The teachers are quite a lot playing with us, literally,
manipulating the situation as always, I really hate that Oh Lord I
just hope that the Lord God would deliver me from this evil
thinkers. Well all this teachers I could see they think that
business could be profitable only if you act manipulatively on ppl,
hide your cards always plan and trigger events on your behalf. Well
I personally believe this is quite a lot satanic, so I decide to
follow God and not to follow this behaviour. Or better to say take
only parts of it like triggering, but the way for triggering to be
honesty and openness instead of the opposite way. Anyways this post
is getting too long so I'll try to hasten it a bit. Yesterday we
went with Zlati to Nijmegen as he said he is coming here on
Tuesday. He slept at my place, he went out with some Asian guys, I
had to went home to fix some stuff a qmail installation on one of
the new servers that I had to configure for Winner Ltd. Happily
with God's help I managed to complete the task after a lot of
tampering in the qmail components. The day after we went with Zlati
to Nijmegen, I had to note the two way ticket was quite cheap (only
4.50 EUR). There weren't much to be seen in Nijmegen, the only nice
thing we saw there was actually a couple of buildings as well as a
probably traditional wedding in the Netherlands.It was funny really
the guests were taking pictures with the bridegrooms infront of a
Church, and they were on their way to lock the Chuch right
afterwards the marriage .. Oh Lord, that was so bad to see we have
gone so miserable and unbelieving the wedding within a Church has
become the next tradition we ppl have to follow, not seen really as
a union in front of God and trhough God but just as something to
make to tickle our selfishness ... Anyways we were having a walk
around Nijmegen when my father's cousin ringed and told me they are
infront of the dormitory in Arnhem. Well I had to ask her to wait
for an hour because I was on the neighbor city Nijmegen, but there
was no way I expected them to come later on at the evening. So
hurried up a bit with our walk around the city and it's shops. We
got a free coffee in some pc selling shop through a coffee machine
provided by AMD! So cool, great marketing. This machine pretty much
did played a role in convincing me to buy AMD if I have to buy a
new CPU in the future. We also take a look at a special alcohol
grocery store, I haven't seen so much alcohol brands in my life,
that reminded me pretty much to the winery we visited a couple of
weeks before in Amsterdam. I was thinking, people doesn't need so
much choice it's too much ... Well what I liked about communism was
that at least the choice was in a limits so you could possibly be
aware of most of the brands and be easy with them, instead of
having so much choice that you absolutely lost in what to choose.
We entered a couple of game selling specific shops ! Nice I would
like to see more of this in the future, well you know I used to be
a gamer in my past I guess this had left some trace of itself in
me. Then we catched the train back for Arnhem it was only a 20
minutes travel. We were in Anrhem took the bus "connexion" and went
back to the dorm. My relatives "cousin Zlatina and uncle Ivailo"
came along and stayed at my room for the night, I loose myself a
bit because I had probably a demonic attack and on top of that I've
received an email from one of my bosses asking about some data
about dbg dnses's ips. I encountered the fact he needs our dnses so
therefore I replied him back with an email pointing to the dbg dns
tutorial. He got mad and replied back with an email attempting to
accuse me that it's my fault and I don't read my mails because he
wanted the "IP addresses". Then I got a bit irritated and at the
same time felt bad and firstly I thought that he might be right,
but then after rethinking it I realized that I did the right think
because he asked for DNS-es and actually it's not possible by RFC
standards to put an IP for a DNS. Thus I bringed him back an email
explaining all this and asked him for some more clarification on
the matter in order to know shall I do a records in the dbg dnses
or not, since then I never have received an email from, well thanks
God. What really pissed me of on top of that was a demonic forces
which tried to attack me, a spiritual sadness plus some desperation
and irritation from the fact that my partens had sent me food which
will sufficient for at least 3 months without me buying anythink
else than bread, they sent 6 box full of provisions, one of them
was fully full with Bulgarian tins containing meet and on top of
the box was ones containing pork meet. Heavens you could imagine
how irritated and hurt I was by all this considering the fact that
I said to my parents numerous times: " Do not send me tins, I'm fed
up with tins cause I eat tin food here, most of the time", anyways
they haven't really listened to me ... as usual so I got pissed up
and flared up(exploded). So I acted pretty stupid in front of my
cousin, then I had to give them two my apologies for the
stupidities I've said or done, but still I firstly begged them to
pick up all the tins containing meet, happily we ended to a consent
that they'll pick up the port tins and I'll eat the rest of the tin
after the Lent is over. However I felt pretty much bad of the fact
that i had to have a cardboard box full of meet containg tins
through the whole Lent period. I have to note that I did broke the
Lent already a lot of times because I had some cappuchino left for
drinking from before and yesterday also I ate a lot of Bulgarian
cheese together with my relatives, we also did had a nice chat and
drinked two small cups of the traditional drink "Rakia" i was
really refreshing really! Just to clarify things up a bit I usually
hate "Rakia", this time it was great
Then some few
hours later we went to bed I slept on a place where Plamen slept
next to the heater laying on a couple of pillows of a sofa jointed
together. I slept quite okay although only for a couple of hours. I
couldn't sleep more cause of Ivailo's voicy snoring. Today early in
the morning we drinked coffee together had another chat, they
encouraged me to be more brave and not to spirit lifted and I sent
them to continue with their travel to Belgium where they have to
look and buy some of the firnuture they sell in their tiny
futniture shop in Dobrich. Wow I know that post became huge ...
Thanks and Glory to God for keeping me still running on! Glory Oh
Lord! Recently I use to listen to a lot of Larry Norman related
music in last.fm, I feel it like quite beneficial for putting me
out of this terrible bitterness feeling that keeps to rule me on.
Glory God!