This Sunday (Vampire Hunter D) & The Princess
Bride
Today I lost one more day of my life ... This deep internal pain is
preventing me from living a proper life. Yes I know this bad
spiritual soul/state is directly caused by my past sinful life. I
tried to cleanse myself through prayer and fasting. But I'm dirty
again I have faith in God but living among so many temptations
constantly distracts my faith in our saviour Jesus Christ! I feel
like I'm sponding my life on non-essential things. To be honest I
don't have any vision for my future. Day after day I see a dying
world around me. I don't know how to manage myself. When I firstly
believe God's grace was so abundant that I could do everything and
not get tired nowdays things has changed I'm feeling tired all the
time. My mind is like completely broken, quite often I feel bad
about the fact that my mind hardly memorizes data. It's a common
thing for me to think about the weakness of the mind and how we
tend to forget, and since we forgot then why is all our struggles
about. When I look into my life I see vanity, vanity and more
vanity the lack of a beloved one to be next to me is something that
really withholds me from living a happy life, at least that's the
feeling I ever have. The lack of love between people the wild
matterialism around makes my life completely empty and meaningful.
Let me now summarize my day. I watched two movies Vampire Hunter D
(one I remember I have watched when I was a kid) & The princess
Bride a nice (fantasy) story about castles, battles love, magic
etc. The bad level of my English also quite often makes me feel
miserable. It's a tough job to express yourself in English. Since I
came here in the Netherlands self-confidence became even lower. I'm
a type of person who hardly copes with things alone, like a baby
which constantly needs to be baby-sitted. I tried hard to change
that but that's something which is in me since I'm a child. I don't
know what's the cause of that and most probably it's my bad wild
sinful puberty years. When I think over my life it looks like a
distorted pieces of different memories who just flow around. In
other words I somehow feel that my life lacks consistency and aim.
I feel like quitting this HAN university where I am. I really don't
see it as a challenge. The tasks they assign us are completely
uninteresting to me so I can hardly slip into it and enjoy I have
bad stuggles everytime I have to prepare a bunch of meaningless
project they force us to prepare. For example right now I have a
real bad struggles with finding appropriate information about the
International Labour Law assignment Final presentation. The task we
have is compare Collective Labour Agreement (CLA) of the
Netherlands and UK. I tried research online about UK but I feel all
the data I found doens't really makes sense. Everywhere I see a
bunch of people going nowhere. We the people are like a metal cans
in a rotting process. I don't know how the other people learn to
accept this. But I cannot it's just not fare that we are imperfect.
I just struggle badly because I want to be perfect and consistent.
And everything the world converts me to is something wrecked and
completely inconsistent. It seems I cannot find the balance for
living a life among society. Quite often I have strong desires to
leave the worldly life and become a monk, ascet or priest. The
thing that intervenes with me and prevents me strongly from
revealing my human potential is fear. It's not clear to me why this
constant fear has set me a captive, I believe in Christ Jesus and I
remember back when I started believing in Jesus that fear has
departured from me. Now it's back again in some form. I can't
figure it out if it's a demon or what is it but I want it to be out
of my life. To be truth I want to be out of this life and be with
God. But obviously God still wants me here on earth.