Walking in Light With Christ - hip0's personal blog on System Administration, Free Software, Computer Security and Religion

Today I did a lot of stuff... The day was like nightmare ... In the morning I had to go to a local medical center where they had to make a picture of my stomach through roentgen scan for that purpose I had to drink a special roengen gruel. The doctor scanned me once and seemed like he saw something not so good, he told me to go to him 2 hours later. In that time I went to the dentist. The previous day I was at his place as well. He said I do have two carieses and one of them is in the last stage so he should kill and extract my tooth nerve, he also had to fill 3 tooths. I haven't been to a dentist since a child I had completely forgot how terrible it is. I've been to his place twice and he filled me two tooths. He also used anaesthetic he had to inject it ... I'm so afraid of squirts .. Ugh Scary. However he injected me and put some kind of liquid in the teeth which should kill the tooth nerve, I was strongly against but the dentist told me this is the only way .. In the meantime I also visited a specialist in the field of ears, nose, throat at least that's how we call him here in Bulgaria, no idea how do they call him in English. The doctor was kind to me. He said that I have a lot of ear mud and need ear washing and he did so, after that they tested me in a special place with a device called audiograph. The method is pretty much primitive. They put you a pair of headset on your ears and play you some voices in case you hear the voice you have to press a button. It happened that my hearing is fine, praise the Lord... It also happened that my stomach is quite okay as well. I have few small buds a sort of body rashes and I wonder what causes them, maybe it is some kind of reaction of my immune system to the better food I eat here in Bulgaria. Yes I forgot. The travel to Bulgaria with Union Ivkoni was quite flawless, thanks to God everything went just fine. I'm into temptations all the time. It seems that the temptations will over at the moment I experience physical death. I experience constant depression and loss of temper and I'm looking for methods to deal with all this nightmareous state. I have mixed my spirit pretty bad with stuff I need that God comes in his might and makes me whole again. Satan and a couple of his devils is trying to completely bring me down this days, the evil one is trying to sow bad thoughts and desires in me, I don't know how to deal with that he is tempting me to start smoking again and get into old affairs from which I was able to escape only through God's deliverance, through a lot of fasting and prayers. My head is pretty mixed quite often and I experience spiritual problems ... Right now I'm listening to a Christian Industrial band named X-Propagation it's worthy to check it out. This days I'm eating a lot and I don't select my food, that's pretty bad as you can imagine. I feel lost in thoughts and desires my mind is roaming astray, jumping from one to another thing every second. I see the world's emptiness and the big sadness in it and quite often I have desires to leave all this world behind and become a monk or something. During the day I was thinking how fragile and absurd is human existence, but probably that wasn't my thoughts but thoughts from satan. I took a shower 20 minutes ago. Now I'm probably soon going to bed. I was feeling desperate through out the day.I feel sick I felt cold all the day, yesterday it was quite similar. Yesterday I was in my aunt and uncle's house on my aunt's birthday celebration, there was quite nice. That's mostly what happens around my poor life. I feel powerless and unmotivated that's most probably satan's work ... My prayer life is like a little destroyed this days. I just hope on the Lord's mercy. Today I spend a lot of nerves restoring a huge database from backup 2.2G! Terrible I didn't wish it to anybody I spend hours until it was fine, later on I had to spend another hour uploading a christmas card on a subdomain heh ... In short I really wish if there is no tomorrow but unfortunately most probably there will be one ... My teeths pain a bit, ughhh ..

Le me sum I'm not happy. I have a bad constipation again! I have prayed that Jesus removes the constipation now I have to wait. I don't know where I'm am going to ... Well not much to be said. I hope on God. At least today I don't feel this terrible broken spirit I usually experienced for a long time.

Today I lost one more day of my life ... This deep internal pain is preventing me from living a proper life. Yes I know this bad spiritual soul/state is directly caused by my past sinful life. I tried to cleanse myself through prayer and fasting. But I'm dirty again I have faith in God but living among so many temptations constantly distracts my faith in our saviour Jesus Christ! I feel like I'm sponding my life on non-essential things. To be honest I don't have any vision for my future. Day after day I see a dying world around me. I don't know how to manage myself. When I firstly believe God's grace was so abundant that I could do everything and not get tired nowdays things has changed I'm feeling tired all the time. My mind is like completely broken, quite often I feel bad about the fact that my mind hardly memorizes data. It's a common thing for me to think about the weakness of the mind and how we tend to forget, and since we forgot then why is all our struggles about. When I look into my life I see vanity, vanity and more vanity the lack of a beloved one to be next to me is something that really withholds me from living a happy life, at least that's the feeling I ever have. The lack of love between people the wild matterialism around makes my life completely empty and meaningful. Let me now summarize my day. I watched two movies Vampire Hunter D (one I remember I have watched when I was a kid) & The princess Bride a nice (fantasy) story about castles, battles love, magic etc. The bad level of my English also quite often makes me feel miserable. It's a tough job to express yourself in English. Since I came here in the Netherlands self-confidence became even lower. I'm a type of person who hardly copes with things alone, like a baby which constantly needs to be baby-sitted. I tried hard to change that but that's something which is in me since I'm a child. I don't know what's the cause of that and most probably it's my bad wild sinful puberty years. When I think over my life it looks like a distorted pieces of different memories who just flow around. In other words I somehow feel that my life lacks consistency and aim. I feel like quitting this HAN university where I am. I really don't see it as a challenge. The tasks they assign us are completely uninteresting to me so I can hardly slip into it and enjoy I have bad stuggles everytime I have to prepare a bunch of meaningless project they force us to prepare. For example right now I have a real bad struggles with finding appropriate information about the International Labour Law assignment Final presentation. The task we have is compare Collective Labour Agreement (CLA) of the Netherlands and UK. I tried research online about UK but I feel all the data I found doens't really makes sense. Everywhere I see a bunch of people going nowhere. We the people are like a metal cans in a rotting process. I don't know how the other people learn to accept this. But I cannot it's just not fare that we are imperfect. I just struggle badly because I want to be perfect and consistent. And everything the world converts me to is something wrecked and completely inconsistent. It seems I cannot find the balance for living a life among society. Quite often I have strong desires to leave the worldly life and become a monk, ascet or priest. The thing that intervenes with me and prevents me strongly from revealing my human potential is fear. It's not clear to me why this constant fear has set me a captive, I believe in Christ Jesus and I remember back when I started believing in Jesus that fear has departured from me. Now it's back again in some form. I can't figure it out if it's a demon or what is it but I want it to be out of my life. To be truth I want to be out of this life and be with God. But obviously God still wants me here on earth.

As I said in my previous post I bought this Zen Mozaik. I wanted to make it work with my Debian GNU/Linux so I googled around and found the way to access the device. The steps I had to took to make it work was: 1: Install mtpfs libmtp-dev 2: Install a software called gnomad2. 3: Use gnomad2 to access my mp3 player. Pretty straight forward, but of course with free software things are never perfect. gnomad2 seems to crash every time after I have transfered files to the mp3 device and then try to return one directory back. Anyways at least it's possible to acess the device Today was a nice day and God is giving me abundantly from his divine grace. For which Glory be to (The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost!) Now and Forever and ever Amen! Ina is a guest today in my room and she is working on her project for European Integration. I have to prepare in group the same report which aims to show how far the integration between member states in the european union is. But this time I let the other members of the group to do some work. To be honest my only ope is on God I have prayed God that the report goes OK. So I trust that God will inspire the other members in my group to do the report in the right way. Today I reesarched for the final International Labour Law assignment which is to compare how Collective Labour Agreements work and what is the legislation dealing with Collective Labour Agreement in UK and The Netherlands. I found some info but to be honest I'm really unsure if it is good for the final report. It's a tough job to work on such a widely not well defined tasks. It seems that in January I'll have a defense for one of the projects and also have that Human Resource Account exam. I'm really poor in Accounting so again my only hope is God. Actually I hope in the Lord to change the hearts of the teachers so they let me pass because I do trust in the Lord and know that everybody that trusts in the Lord won't be ashamed nor taste disgrace Blessed be our God who is an awesome God! Amen

Today was a comparingly a nice day. Although my observations show me that my spiritual problems are pretty serious ... I really don't know how to manage them and the only thing I do is trust in the Lord Jesus that he had mercy on me the sinner and fix that. Today we had International Labour Law class and we went through a ILLW case about a wrongfully prepared employee agreement. The situation was that a company has conducted an agreement with a company which explicitly stated that the extra time won't be paid at the same time the contract had a clause saying that Collective Labour Agreement is applicable. The contract was conducted for 1.5 y. The company was obliged to pay a higher sallary to the employee to compensate the worked overtime via a higher sallary for the employee. However after the contract's period of validity has passed, the employee sued the company for not paying him the overtime work. He did bring the case to court because according to Collective Labour Agreement legislation overtime is always required to be paid, nomatter the case. And since in the contract has explicitly stated that Collective Labour Agreements rule apply to the employee's considering the fact that the Collective Labour Agreement has a higher weight than the clauses of the contact the employee has won. OK let me stop here with school stuff and continue with a small examination of what has happened during the rest of the day. I went to my room K111 pretty much depressed with big internal pain and struggles. This days I'm badly suffering. I think my soul is hurted a lot, on top of this I'm more and more starting to think that I have hearing problems as well as am having various health issues. My spirit is quite often pretty much broken. I have that feeling pretty often that various demons crawl around me and try to torment me. I even quite often think that I'm infested with evil spirits. I'm trying to fight this spirits in the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. But they turn back for a while then they try to come back and torment me again. After being in my room I switched on my laptop and the browser's session with every content I have left opened since yesterday night poped up. A song of the Christian Metal Band Messiah Prophet has poped up. Nice listening to Christian Metal does make me feel better and leave me take breath. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. Of course there is nothing strange about that considering my past ungodly antichrist past life for years. I just hope that the Our Holy Father in the Name of the son and our saviour Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit will prevail and hold me tight in his embrace me with his loving kindness and deliver me from all this terrible hellish state that try to control and influence my spirit. A demons probably with whom I had communion in my past are frequently tring to return to me and torment me in a various ways, but the Lord is always true and delivers me and safeguards me! Blessed be our God the master of Heavens and earth! Glory be to his Heavenly Throne! Amen! The past week I spend in a hesitation what do I really want from life. I'm feeling bad that I'm not completely be able to serve the Lord with my life. I somehow feel like sticking to this life because I'm studying in university and conforting to the life of the world less or more. I should say I hate it earnestly. Sometimes I realize I don't have even love for the neighbor nor for God. Terrible, the only time when I have love is when God grants me his grace by his mercy. I quite often feel lonely and forgotten. I'm reading the bible everyday at least few pages per day, also I try to pray on morning and evening time. Another thing that's really hard for me is to manage the language aperantly my english language level is quite poor. My mind is not a brillian one. I try to google around and advance it somehow but quite often the fact that I forgot the words when I want to say something is really terrible experience. This constant forgetting thing is most probably based on the stress I live daily with. I should say a Big thanks to God for taking care for the servers I manage and bringing me money. Thanks Lord Almighty ! Through the week I didn't have much work with the servers and praise the Lord it's like this otherwise I won't simply be able to bear it. I'm hardly bearing my spiritual burden quite often ... Some of the Spiritual guys who read that would definetely know what I mean. I have that rule that everyday I commit my life in our Saviour Jesus Christ's hands and beg the God (The Holy Trinity) for mercy over me the sinner, and HalleluJah! The Lord is never slow in helping me. Here in the Netherlands it's terrible me and the others eat a big amounts of food ! When I tell you big then I mean BIG, A Really big ones! It's horrible. Let me go back to my story after I went back from the university back to the dorm. I saw in youtube a reference pointing to Larry Norman's songs. For all Christian Metalheads that don't know Larry Norman you might want to read in wikipedia about him. In short he is believed/said to be the father of Christian Hard Rock/Metal. One of his most favourity songs is "Why the Devil sohuld Havel all the Good Music", and my personal favourite, a one called "Sweet, Sweet Song of Salvation". Trust me Larry Norman is Good. He started writing music around 1960's, and is famous for being a member of the band "People!". This guy is a really legend, and has done wonderful work spreading the Lord of our saviour Jesus Christ. Unfortunately he has departered from life this January (2008), after a short illness and a heart break after a heart attack. I've sinked again into details. A little later Ina and Riri (an indonesian colleague) came to my room and asked me if I'm joining to the city center. To be honest I did as always tried to refuse. But they were convincing and thanks God, the argument that made them convince me the most is that we were going to look for a tradition Netherlands souvenirs for our families. We did so. We took the bus after that I remembered of my intention to buy an mp3 player so we dropped by to MediaMarkt (the local consumer electronics store). After a little bit of thiking over I decided to take A Creative Zen Mozaik 2G mp3 player. One major motive was the price since it costed only 55 EUR and I didn't wanted to spend too much on an mp3 player. After we took the mp3 player. We took our way for the souvenirs grocery store. I realized I was hungry and asked Riri where I might get some food she suggested me to eat from a kiosk located on our way. In the kiosk it was produced a typical ViVietnamese kind of food, at least that what the advertisement says. I didn't wanted to have a meaty portion so I took the vegetarenian one. The peddlar asked me something and I couldn't get it, so Riri transleated. The mister asked if I want a sour or sweet sauce. It's really strange here in The Netherlands, that usually put sour or sweet sauce on their meails. For comparison in Bulgaria it's completely different story. They always ask you if you want ketchup and mayonese or both and that's it. Anyways we went to that souvenir shop, after the girls hanged around in few stores (well girls, you know them they are always crazy about shopping). We went afterwards to the Barbershop where Riri had to have her haircut. The hair stylist happened to be a gay and Riri felt unconfortable that I called him a couple of times a gay, but yes that's me it's in my nature to call things with their real names and be a little bit more blatant. In the meantime we had a coffee with a traditional cookie (a waffle) I should acknowledge it was a really nice one. We went back to the gay barber coz Riri had to have her haircut. Ina had the desire to have her haircut as well but the hair stylist has an already full schedule list. We went afterwards to a clothing store "New Yorker" and Riri and Ina bought some stuff. Ina bought a kind of open blouse and a scarf (for her brother) and Riri took a scarf as well. Later on we went to a household store "Xema"? or something I couldn't precisely remember the name. And we went to another coffee because we have to wait some time for another indonesian friend of Riri. After the girl came and we were completed we went to a really cheap chineese restaurant named "Ho-Me". The meal was nice for the price only 3.45 EUR! Riri told us that a lot of students are eating there. Afterwards we took the Bus from a "Willensplein" this is quite a lot famous place where usually people arrange meetings just like the place "The Clock" we have in Dobrich. We went home and I tried my new mp3 player. It worked nice. But I'll say more on that in a separate post because I think that might be helpful to some GNU/Linux enthusiasts like me out there. Just to conclude this really stretched post. For all the day and the rest passed days I gave the Glory to the Lord of Hosts who keeps me, sustains me and provides me with more than required in my daily life! Thanks Lord! Oh yes I just remembered for all interested into Christian Metal you might want to check my newly created account in youtube's playlist the location of the address is Here! Let our Lord and Saviour be Glorified with this account and the account bring a lot of people to God who's will is that everybody comes to repentance and accepts his love for us the sacrifice of his only begotten son and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, through which everything is and will be now and Forever and Ever . Amen! I pray the The Father in the name of Jesus Christ that this link brings abundant harvest and save as much as he will through his grace and providence leading them to him through that collection of Christian Metal great Metal Music and consequently save them and guide them in his divine grace. Amen!

Terrible days has come to me ... No words to describe the terror I suffer I cannot continue forever like this. I feel like my brain is going to explode sometimes. Most of the time I feel spiritual or soul sadness cannot determine exactly. I envy to a lot of people for what they have. My life is a really really miserable one. I want this terror to stop. I suspect that demons try to torment me. I cannot concentrate I cannot think logically ... I cannot work on my projects. Prayer doesn't help. I cannot stop eating I eat all the time. It seems I'm badly depressed again. I feel like I won't be able to complete my education. I have prayed God that he will help me to complete that one. I know I'm dumb. Minute after minute I realize more and more that I'm not worthy and I'm too stupid to become smart. There is no profound meaning in the words I say I just try to express myself. I have that feeling like I cannot control myself. I'm becoming more and more dumb day by day. I think my mind has reached it's maximum capacity. I cannot hold that pain I experience most of the time anymore. I need spiritual peace. The peace of Christ to gurad my heart and mind. I try to re-think my life but obviously I cannot find the cause why I'm in such distress. I feel exactly lost and fragile like I've been before I accepted Jesus Christ in my life. Lord, where are you? Why have you forsaken me? I cannot live on my own. I hate this world with all it's institutions and hypocrisy I just don't fit to it. The recent days my health was completely distorted as well. My psychic peace is gone, I try to look and look about the reason for that but seems I cannot find it. I tried to pray and read the bible but it helped only for a little while. If this continues for a long I'm going to crack completely! I suffer badly because I feel unloved and forgotten. I want to belong but I didn't actually. I don't fit to any society here. I'm just too different. I even cannot express myself anymore there is nothing to express just a blanks. It's teribly hard for me to speak in Englishm, like my mind refuses to think. I prayed to God that he hardvest me from this hell world but still I'm here. My suicidal mania is back again. I tried to fast because it's orthodox fast time but I cannot. I cannot pray much because my prayers I faithless. I don't have any faith in me. This message is for you God as you could understand everything on earth. Lord of Heaven and of Earth, Lord of all that Lives in Heaven and Earth hear me I need you to heal me and sustain me and change the pain to peace and love. Last week we have been in Brussels after being in the European parliament my bad spiritual/psychic condition worsened drastically. Most probably this EU union will be the last Empire for which Christ our Lord has warned us in revelations. I don't see any point in studying this wordly things I study now. I want to know the truth to be happy, to find the spouse of my life ... To be loved and to love. I'm looking for God to bring me sooner to the place he has prepared for me. I just had a shower here in the dormitory alone in my room as usual listening to Saviour Machine and trying to calm myself and block the terrible pain I experience constantly ...