The Fail in International Labour Law defense
Terrible day, Some time after I woke up, and washed my teeth and
fixed my bed I tried to pray, although to be honest I was unwilling
to. I was unwilling to pray the previous night as well, just like
the previous 2 or 3 days. Just when praying I received an sms I
wondered who he is.. it happened to be my boss urging me to check
my mail urgently. I checked my mail it seems he has written me an
email the previous night at 12:40 or something requesting to change
the DNSes for the new site of design bg. Afterwards he called,
there was a lot of stress during the whole day because I had to do
numerous things. On top of that I had to present in International
Labour Law and I was not well prepared I have serious problems with
memorizing things so I cannot really prepare. I tried to pray a
couple of times beseeching God in the name of Jesus Christ to grant
me a pass. To be honest the whole project was a mess. The
presentation just like the teachers said was horrible. The
questions they asked us were quite unclear and mixed (most probably
on purpose) ... after then they asked us to go out of the room and
come back in a few minutes. I went in they said that unfortunately
it's not pass. And we screw it up and we have to do it again the
written project and also the presentation. They even mocked us a
bit. Not to mention that through the presentation I felt so nervous
.. and was quite below my capacity. Philip Da Ponte noticed that I
have to develop my expression because I lack the vocabulary to
express some of the things and I really did. But I have days I'm
completely blackholed .. like today. Alan (my group mate) sent me
an email in which he established a plan for how are we going to
redo the project and has compiled a group of questions the teachers
might ask us the next time. I have deep inner struggles ... I felt
so bad. I went home and ate some food without even taking the time
to thanks to God. I felt so betrayed because God didn't answer my
prayer or better to say said "No". I had the realization that I
don't have the power nor the desire to study in this university any
more it's not news. This kind of things are tormetting me badly
since the end of December. I explained quite clear to my parents
that I won't make it. They don't believe me. Recently I explained
them over a skype talk that I have the intention to become a
priest, a monk or a hermit. I told them straight that I don't
belong to this world and where I am now is not my real place. My
mother has argued and tried to convince me that this is erroneous
and I'm exactly where I should be. During the day I felt so bad I
have that strong desire to kill myself just like before, I feel
weak and lost. And my faith is a kind of broken or dysfunctioning
at the moment. A little later I talk via skype with a couple of
friends Nomen, Stelian, Nikokay. Stelian or (stelt) for short
probably has prayed a it for me because after I shared him my
concerns and my bad state I felt a little better it's worthy to
mention that he is Orthodox Christian just like me and he is the
one partly responsible for bringing me in the Orhotox Church. A
little than an hour ago I had my dinner. A cup a soup thing, e.g.
you just dissolve the packaged soup into hot water. After the soup
I ate two pieces of bread (one with a sort of russian salad and one
only with margarine). Now I'll probably take a shower because my
hair is really greasy. I felt extremely weak during whole day, my
physical condition is not good as well. I've commited my life in
the hands of God (The Holy Trinity) what will happen is completely
up to him. If he grants me peace and grace and power and restores
my health and forgives my iniquity I'll be restored and healed. If
not I'll continue to suffer badly and I have absolutely no clue
where all this will end. I should mention that yesterday some
demonic spirits has tormented me in a bad way. This dorm is
infested with demonic spirits but praise be to the Father through
Jesus our Saviour for not letting my life in the evil ones hands
...