In a Big Distress
I feel in a huge distress these days. My heart tears on a thousand
of pieces. I have clashes and quarrels at school. Today I almost
cracked out during one of the IBP meetings. The devil tries to
oppress me hardly. I broke the Lent a bit because I bought a coffee
from a vending machine at school and I realized it contains milk
right after I have paid for it since I have paid I couldn't just
leave it. On Sunday there was a liturgy in the Russian Orthodox
Church here in Anrnhem. The previous two nights aunt Zlatina and
her husband slept at my place. I guess these had a good influence
on me, however it was pretty ugly that they smoked so much in my
room. I couldn't stand the smoke anymore. I'm broken hearted as I
said already. I have some confort in reading my Orthodox Bible.
Although it is a Lent time the priests in the Orthodox church did
drinked that really distracted me since they insist on keeping the
fast and the saviour Jesus has prescribed us to fast. If I break
the fast well that's okay but they are supposed to keep it since
they are into priesthood. However I did sinned with thinking this
bad thoughts in my heart I don't have the right to judge them.
Today I had SHR Meeting. Things are sleeping out of my mind. To be
honest I feel like a completely dying man... Oh Lord please help
me, sustain me in my infirmity and madness. Don't leave me fail and
become a laughingstock for the ungodly. My mind is pretty much
distracted this days as well. I don't have a desire for anything
... Day after day just existing. To be honest I experience bad
feelings and the more I look in myself I see wrongness and
sinfulness and evil. I just pray that the Lord have mercy on my and
grant me to pass my stuff this semester. I had a bit of work with
launching a new site design for one of the hosted websites and had
some unclearances before all got resolved. My discography of Larry
Norman which I'm downloading is on it's way to me. And I'll have it
in a couple of hours, at least that's nice. I asked the Lord for
forgiveness and experienced a bit of relief as well as when I was
reading the bible I felt okay.. The teachears are preaching a
psychologic method called Transactional Analysis, which is I think
pretty much demonic, they use it heavily, more about that could be
seen on wikipedia
TA