Sick again
Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the
Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of
Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very
drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life
is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee
on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and
drinked a beer per man. I'm starting to think about the meaningless
of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and
seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have
almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I
send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my
mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can't unlock the door and
everyone inside is sleeping and she didn't want to disturb them. So
we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible
physically again. I really can't take it anymore I need Jesus to
bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the
Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver
me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and
Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My
computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling.
The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our
Room's repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho
are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the
room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be
healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I'm ashamed
of myself (But it's an act of desperation). By the way I don't have
any desire to study anymore I'd like to do things with FreeBSD and
learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I'll
continue to live otherwise I guess I'll end badly. Very often come
to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of
God's spirit I remember the Bible's instruction towards doubtful
mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It's like a
sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don't believe). I'm sure both
cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God's
rightous probably that's what I deserve. I tried do good for so
many people and to care for as much people I'm very discouraged
because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and
sickness ... Something have to change or I'll be gone ...