Walking in Light With Christ - hip0's personal blog on System Administration, Free Software, Computer Security and Religion

Did I mentioned my life is meaningless? ???

Without meaning, i just wanna stop to exist I don't hear anything. I don't want to hear anything I don't want to continue to suffer. The whole world and existence is a great delusion a suffering for nothing. I have tried my best with Faith it seems I'm not a match of it. I hope my existence to stop soon. Nobody really cares for me that's what I think even through the bible says God is aware of our sufferings and problems the reality shows the opposite. If God cares at least a little he will grant me a fucking physical Health!

Where is everybody. I'm drunk I'm sick I'm dying I'm gonna fucking kill myself. The end is near nothing can't stop me now. Where I'm who I'm why do I exist? WHYYYY! I'm drunk today I and Nomen drunked together a wine Asenovgradski Mavrut (red wine) great yeah!. Noone nothing who cares I wanna everyhing to be like in the old times. Mosaik - Rubik fucking rulez!!!! The Lord doesn't care for me !!! Damn it, noone cares I'm alone ;]]]

Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I'm starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can't unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn't want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can't take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room's repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I'm ashamed of myself (But it's an act of desperation). By the way I don't have any desire to study anymore I'd like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I'll continue to live otherwise I guess I'll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God's spirit I remember the Bible's instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It's like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don't believe). I'm sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God's rightous probably that's what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I'm very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness ... Something have to change or I'll be gone ...

Nothing much to say except I'm physically fucked up, I suffer badly and I'm tired of this very tired. I need a relief when The hack would the relief be. I'm not ungrateful but most of the people around me doesn't seem to be much like doing God's will. I need a new place in life. I'm very unhappy for my uncompleteness of the body for my sickness. I prayed to God a lot and still there isn't healing there are two possible variants 1. God is very angry with me with my past ( Something I hope is not true)., and refuses to heal. 2. That's exact God purpose for me always to be in pain. I'm praying day after day about a specific thing I'm starting to loose faith that what I pray for would come one day. I hate this incomplete existence so much ! I often disgust of the life's (or at least what I see). I sometimes think about becoming a Monk. Seems like things are going nowhere in my life again I'm sick of accepting a live I'm not happy with ... Living day after day only to exist without a reason ...

Seems, My life is going nowhere. Today I drinked half of a bottle of Wine and 1 beer. I was out with Alex. We drinked in the city part. Through the day I started my first bsd jail using a tutorial online. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and I want to stop them again. Most of the people I met are not a good company for me that's what I'm thinking more and more. Also I'm thinking more and more I have to change my living place. If only I could find the love of my life ... We moved bookshelf and stuff from our room ( My mother again has decided to make repairs in our room. ). I'm asking myself why shall I live a meaningless life. At least my interest into computers and computing started to appear again (this is cool). My faith is really going away since I pray and pray for something .. and I don't receive it ( Or at least I don't see it). I'm tired of waiting. I need to have this physical healing to continue my normal life. I'm not proud of me I was a little aggressive when we was in the Mino's coffee before an hour or so ... Now I intend to watch another episode of stargate SG1. And to go to the DreamLand. If only I could live into a Dreamland all the time. I'm starting to realize I should change the music I listen, I should change alot of my behaviours If I want to have a new and happy life. Autumn is a beautiful Season The autumn rain shall come and restore us

Something I have long thought about a Tracking Music Radio. Enjoy! http://www.scenemusic.eu/

Check this out! http://www.scene.org/~radix/mosaik/index.php Great music, Great site Design!

Today I was to the doctor twice to know what happened with the blood samples was tested. The samples showed my "blood picture" is good. The doctor said my kidney's are okay since I have such a good "blood picture". He prescribed me some kind of wide antibakteria virus antibiotics. And I'm drinking the pills twice on every 12 hours last time in 01:30 a.m. I didn't have a lot of work and all the servers are working smoothly well what I can say PRAISE THE LORD :). In the evening I was out tree times one time on the beer house "Regal". After that for 20 minutes out with Nomen. After that I went to The Lily's mother work place. (Lily is going there usually to use Internet, the computer their has internet and Lily did not have in her home). It was hard to me to be kind and loving to her. And in the end she cried and was looking pretty unpleasent. I went home and prayed the Lord to help her and guide her and send his Holy Angels before her and heal her soul and heart. Today I had some extraordinary grace from God. Blessed, Blessed, Blessed are thou Lord of Heaven and of Earth ! :). Well I forgot I was to my grandma, to see how she is doing. Also Necroleak gave me a link to a great old school mod composer Here you can check it out http://mods.skywalk.co.uk/mods.php . Well I'm pretty not knowing where I go but I hope Jesus would guide me in the way of salvation and will be with me "ALWAYS", as is written in the gospels. BTW Lily if you read this you receive my big hug dear :] And now I'm gone until the next post.

I watched almost the whole day Stargate SG-1. I went to my grandma to see her and find out how she is doing. I went out for a walk and met Alex we went to the Chineese restaurant and then later to the City Park. I also played with the freebsd removed some obsolete packages played for 40 minutes "bomberclone" (btw addictive game) :).

Yesterday Night me and Nomen decided to spend the night in the house on my village "Kragulevo". It's a nice place to be. We drinked beer smoked cigarettes have a walk around the village after we arrived somewhere around 21:40. In the morning we decided to go to the forest it was a hard job to wake up Nomen, all the time he was repeating "Please leave me to sleep more 5 minutes" and after 5 minutes the same sentence. In the end I 20 or 30 minutes later get out of bed. We drinked coffee and walked in the beginning of the Wood (It's recharging). in 08:15 after a 20 or 25 minutes walk we went back to Dobrich. Yesterday I went to a Doctor because I have a constant pains around my stomach. He assigned me some health tests for tomorrow. I hope God hasn't allowed that I had a serious sickness. Kragulevo is connected with a lot of memories from my young years. I'm regretting a lot I didn't spend more time during the last summers when I was still going to school. I remember so many great moments with my Grandpa ( Peace be upon him. ). And I miss him a lot Grandpa Marin ( Mino ). Was a great example for me for a lot of things like attitude towards live, love towards beings and also ppl service. Actually now After I believed I realise this virtues match perfect with some recommendations the St. Apostles give for us to live to be a pleasent in the eyes of the Lord God.

Yesterday I drinked 200 gr. of Vodka yesterday Night, it was pretty refreshing for me but I got drunk a little. I'm smoking again ... Things are going bad in my life recently. I have health issues. And I intend to go to doctor today. Yesterday I went to the polyclinic but my personal Dr. was not there (I was angry, I went to doctor once in years and he is not there) so I'll try again today. I had pains somewhere around the stomach. At least at work things are going smoothly at least God hears my prayers about this. I'm very confused and I have completely no idea what to do with my life. Yesterday I was out with Lily and Kiril on the fountain. The previous day Nomen, I, Yavor, Kiro and Bino went to the "Kobaklyka" (a woody place which is close to Dobrich.) Well that's most of what's happening lately with my life. I wrote a little script to make that nautilus is being restarted if it starts burning the cpu. It's a dumb script (the bad thing is that I'm loosing form scripting, Well I don't script much lately). Here is the script http://pcfreak.d-bg.net/bshscr/restart_nautilus.sh. The days before the 4 days weekend, I hat to spend a lot of time on one of the servers fighting with Spammers. Hate spammers really! I ended removing bounce messages at all for one of the domains, which fixed the bounce spam method spammers use (btw qmail's chkuser seems to not work properly for some reason) ... Also I started watching Stargate - SG1. First I thought it's a stupid sci-fi serial. But after the first serie I now think it has it's good moments :]. Also I had something like a Mortification Day going on during Monday. The whole day I listened to Mortification (The first Christian Death Metal Band). I Liked much the "Hammer of God" album. In the evening Sabin (Bino) came home and we watched some Mortification videos at Youtube. Right now I listen again to "Ever - Idyll" a pretty great song. And yeah I keep listening to ChristianIndustrial.net a lot, a great radio. Try it if you haven't!

Glory be to the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit! The Lord is very merciful. I've thinked a lot about my life. And I've realized that I've done many mistakes and that I don't strive to hear his voice. Nor to follow his path for my life. So recently I'm praying for the Lord to guide me and teach me how to hear and understand his voice! As he said in the Holy Bible: "My sheeps hear my voice". He have to teach me howto hear his voice. Also I've prayed few days ago about a sallary increase and Hallelujah! Today When I went to Varna I saw how the lord heard my prayer I have a sallary increase. But I was increadibly happy because the Lord is hearing my prayers. Currently I think that God is healing my physical sickness. For which Glory be to Him The One Ever Living Lord and Our Lord Jesus Christ. Also I was very happy that a friend (Stoian) with which we discussed the topics of Our Faith the last Yeastern has received Christ as a Saviour. And is also going to the Orthodox Church. He has something I have lost a lot of days before the Fire in me the Lord has fired when I believed. Thanks Lord ! for every mercy and blessing you're doing towards me. Mostly the last days I start realizing that we are so sinful and our minds are so deluded that we try to explain The Existence of God ( Something I tried to do for a very long time ), without actually seeking God but using our human knowledge and understanding. Let God not give me to do this anymore. Blessed, Blessed, Blessed are you Lord Shabbaoth Glory to your Heavenly Throne! I even smiled today looking at the sky :] God is merciful!!!

I spend the weekend with Megi, Niki and Nomen in Rusalka (we beached there), although there was no sun at all the water was warm and it was good experience (this happened in the late evening). In 06:00 or 07:00 o'clock. We decided to go to Tulenovo's caves and stay there and make a wood fire. But the caves were already taken by others. So in the end we went to Shablenska Tuzla. We stretch the 2 tents and fired a firewood on the beach and started having a supper, unfortunately a rain started and we have to gather the 2 tents and the food and go to the car. We waited to see if the rain would stop but it was raining and we went to a near family hotel where Mitko, Megi and Niki slept into a room and slept in the car (this is the first time I have to sleep in a car). In the morning we went to the beach I stayed out of the sea because there was wind and I was scared of getting sick again. Around 12:30 we were in Dobrich. So this is how most of the weekend passed in the night we went to my Grandma and Grandpa's (Peace be upon him) village with my father and we stayed there for 30 minutes or so. During the weekend I successfully made a binary upgrade of my xorg 6.9 -> 7.2 (it was a full mess), it took me 2 days! As usual the upgrades under FBSD are a real nightmare. Speaking about faith I'm not sure what do I believe anymore I still hope that God would fix my health issues, but I'm tired of waiting really :[ The bad thing about the weekend was that one more time I felt like not being on my right place. I realized soon that I can't hear the voice of God. And currently I'm praying that God would give me this ability. But ofcourse only time will show.