Lost & Forgotten
Terrible days has come to me ... No words to describe the terror I
suffer I cannot continue forever like this. I feel like my brain is
going to explode sometimes. Most of the time I feel spiritual or
soul sadness cannot determine exactly. I envy to a lot of people
for what they have. My life is a really really miserable one. I
want this terror to stop. I suspect that demons try to torment me.
I cannot concentrate I cannot think logically ... I cannot work on
my projects. Prayer doesn't help. I cannot stop eating I eat all
the time. It seems I'm badly depressed again. I feel like I won't
be able to complete my education. I have prayed God that he will
help me to complete that one. I know I'm dumb. Minute after minute
I realize more and more that I'm not worthy and I'm too stupid to
become smart. There is no profound meaning in the words I say I
just try to express myself. I have that feeling like I cannot
control myself. I'm becoming more and more dumb day by day. I think
my mind has reached it's maximum capacity. I cannot hold that pain
I experience most of the time anymore. I need spiritual peace. The
peace of Christ to gurad my heart and mind. I try to re-think my
life but obviously I cannot find the cause why I'm in such
distress. I feel exactly lost and fragile like I've been before I
accepted Jesus Christ in my life. Lord, where are you? Why have you
forsaken me? I cannot live on my own. I hate this world with all
it's institutions and hypocrisy I just don't fit to it. The recent
days my health was completely distorted as well. My psychic peace
is gone, I try to look and look about the reason for that but seems
I cannot find it. I tried to pray and read the bible but it helped
only for a little while. If this continues for a long I'm going to
crack completely! I suffer badly because I feel unloved and
forgotten. I want to belong but I didn't actually. I don't fit to
any society here. I'm just too different. I even cannot express
myself anymore there is nothing to express just a blanks. It's
teribly hard for me to speak in Englishm, like my mind refuses to
think. I prayed to God that he hardvest me from this hell world but
still I'm here. My suicidal mania is back again. I tried to fast
because it's orthodox fast time but I cannot. I cannot pray much
because my prayers I faithless. I don't have any faith in me. This
message is for you God as you could understand everything on earth.
Lord of Heaven and of Earth, Lord of all that Lives in Heaven and
Earth hear me I need you to heal me and sustain me and change the
pain to peace and love. Last week we have been in Brussels after
being in the European parliament my bad spiritual/psychic condition
worsened drastically. Most probably this EU union will be the last
Empire for which Christ our Lord has warned us in revelations. I
don't see any point in studying this wordly things I study now. I
want to know the truth to be happy, to find the spouse of my life
... To be loved and to love. I'm looking for God to bring me sooner
to the place he has prepared for me. I just had a shower here in
the dormitory alone in my room as usual listening to Saviour
Machine and trying to calm myself and block the terrible pain I
experience constantly ...