Posts Tagged ‘gr’

Sick again – Hoping God to solve it all – and no desire to study

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I’m starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can’t unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can’t take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room’s repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I’m ashamed of myself (But it’s an act of desperation). By the way I don’t have any desire to study anymore I’d like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I’ll continue to live otherwise I guess I’ll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God’s spirit I remember the Bible’s instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It’s like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don’t believe). I’m sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God’s rightous probably that’s what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I’m very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness … Something have to change or I’ll be gone …END—–

Vodka! :)

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Yesterday I drinked 200 gr. of Vodka yesterday Night, it was pretty refreshing for me but I got drunk a little.I’m smoking again … Things are going bad in my life recently. I have health issues. And I intend to go to doctor today.Yesterday I went to the polyclinic but my personal Dr. was not there (I was angry, I went to doctor once in years and he is not there) so I’ll try again today. I had pains somewhere around the stomach. At least at work things are going smoothly at least God hears my prayers about this. I’m very confused and I have completely no idea what to do with my life. Yesterday I was out with Lily and Kiril on the fountain. The previous day Nomen, I, Yavor, Kiro and Bino went to the “Kobaklyka” (a woody place which is close to Dobrich.) Well that’s most of what’s happening lately with my life. I wrote a little script to make that nautilus is being restarted if it starts burning the cpu. It’s a dumb script (the bad thing is that I’m loosing form scripting, Well I don’t script much lately). Here is the script http://pcfreak.d-bg.net/bshscr/restart_nautilus.sh. The days before the 4 days weekend, I hat to spend a lot of time on one of the servers fighting with Spammers. Hate spammers really! I ended removing bounce messages at all for one of the domains, which fixed the bounce spam method spammers use (btw qmail’s chkuser seems to not work properly for some reason) … Also I started watching Stargate – SG1. First I thought it’s a stupid sci-fi serial. But after the first serie I now think it has it’s good moments :]. Also I had something like a Mortification Day going on during Monday. The whole day I listened to Mortification (The first Christian Death Metal Band). I Liked much the “Hammer of God” album. In the evening Sabin (Bino) came home and we watched some Mortification videos at Youtube. Right now I listen again to “Ever – Idyll” a pretty great song. And yeah I keep listening to ChristianIndustrial.net a lot, a great radio. Try it if you haven’t!END—–

Drunk

Monday, February 26th, 2007

I drinked 100 gr. of Rom and a beer after that and I got drunk. I have some problems with one of the servers in DBG. I hope the machine’s hard drive didn’t die. If the hdd is dead it would be very very bad for me. Tomorrow I have test in Management. As usual I haven’t study :]] I’m listening to Pantera and I want to drink more .. which is not good at all. END—–