Yesterday I was out for a coffee with Tony an old frined from the Old metal days, after that I went outwith Lily I drinked 200 gr of Vodka and a Beer. I was pretty desparate actually and I got very drunk I got home 04:10 and got to bed at 4:30. What can I say life is hard. Today Mitko called at dinner time and we drinked a coffee on the fountain. The night we went out in the Central park and drinked a beer per man. I’m starting to think about the meaningless of my life again, since my life seems without a real purpose and seems not going nowhere ( we humans are so weak ). Yesterday I have almost taken the decision to suicide. It almost a miracle after I send lily to her home and was going back home with the idea of my mind to suicide. Lily called and said she can’t unlock the door and everyone inside is sleeping and she didn’t want to disturb them. So we spend more than an hour outside. Today I feel terrible physically again. I really can’t take it anymore I need Jesus to bless me with a healing (Save me Holy Lord, Lord Jesus son of the Blessed God have mercy over me the sinner heal me Lord and Deliver me from all sickness and affliction and pain Heal my Soul, Body and Spirit, make me whole to be able to serve you again :[ Amen) My computer went down twice today I have a problem with the cooling. The cooler should be cleaned but I guess this will happen after our Room’s repair is completed. By the way Both Pc-Freak and Jericho are on the terrace. Because repair works are being done into the room. Day after day I ask my self the question when I will be healed again. I do smoke a lot of cigarettes for which I’m ashamed of myself (But it’s an act of desperation). By the way I don’t have any desire to study anymore I’d like to do things with FreeBSD and learn stuff. If God is merciful to me and heals me probably I’ll continue to live otherwise I guess I’ll end badly. Very often come to the point Nobody out there cares, them I feel the presence of God’s spirit I remember the Bible’s instruction towards doubtful mind and try return back to the Faith of the Eternal, It’s like a sort of schizofrenia (I believe, I don’t believe). I’m sure both cannot be true. Very often I think I deserve more but since God’s rightous probably that’s what I deserve. I tried do good for so many people and to care for as much people I’m very discouraged because as a reward I see it like receiving this infirmity and sickness … Something have to change or I’ll be gone …END—–
Posts Tagged ‘cigarettes’
Seems, My life is going nowhere. Today I drinked half of a bottle of Wine and 1 beer. I was out with Alex. We drinked in the city park. Through the day I started my first bsd jail using a tutorial online. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and I want to stop them again. Most of the people I met are not a good company for me that's what I'm thinking more and more. Also I'm thinking more and more I have to change my living place. If only I could find the love of my life … We moved bookshelf and stuff from our room ( My mother again has decided to make repairs in our room. ). I'm asking myself why shall I live a meaningless life. At least my interest into computers and computing started to appear again (this is cool). My faith is really going away since I pray and pray for something .. and I don't receive it ( Or at least I don't see it). I'm tired of waiting. I need to have this physical healing to continue my normal life. I'm not proud of me I was a little aggressive when we was in the Mino's coffee before an hour or so … Now I intend to watch another episode of stargate SG1. And to go to the DreamLand. If only I could live into a Dreamland all the time. I'm starting to realize I should change the music I listen, I should change a lot of my behaviours If I want to have a new and happy life. Autumn is a beautiful Season 🙂 The autumn rain shall come and restore us :)END—–
Yesterday Night me and Nomen decided to spend the night in the house on my village “Kragulevo”. It’s a nice place to be.We drinked beer smoked cigarettes have a walk around the village after we arrived somewhere around 21:40. In the morning we decided to go to the forest it was a hard job to wake up Nomen, all the time he was repeating “Please leave me to sleep more 5 minutes” and after 5 minutes the same sentence. In the end I 20 or 30 minutes later get out of bed. We drinked coffee and walked in the beginning of the Wood (It’s recharging). in 08:15 after a 20 or 25 minutes walk we went back to Dobrich. Yesterday I went to a Doctor because I have a constant pains around my stomach. He assigned me some health tests for tomorrow. I hope God hasn’t allowed that I had a serious sickness. Kragulevo is connected with a lot of memories from my young years. I’m regretting a lot I didn’t spend more time during the last summers when I was still going to school. I remember so many great moments with my Grandpa ( Peace be upon him. ). And I miss him a lot Grandpa Marin ( Mino ). Was a great example for me for a lot of things like attitude towards live, love towards beings and also ppl service. Actually now After I believed I realise this virtues match perfect with some recommendations the St. Apostles give for us to live to be a pleasent in the eyes of the Lord God.END—–
Well I’m not so sick anymore. I’m feeling bad emotionally spiritually. I’m not sure. I have no idea what’s happening in my life. I don’t see the guidance of God. I’m having sexual thoughts and wan’t to sleep with some female, I guess this is not good since I’m a christian. Actually I really don’t have idea what to do with my life. FUCK I’m so LOST! I was out with Lily for a pizza and a coffee smoked 4 cigarettes then went to a new Market here in the town. Well the market was very brighty and clean, on two stages the one was a food/bevarage market. The other with tech stuff. Some time before we went to the market. My mood got fucked up and I stopped talking. Well shit why the Hell I’m here. I have a re-exam in Monday. It was supposed to study at something today. But my state didn’t allows me too. I just want to lay somewhere and die. I’m so lost I feel spiritually broken again. How much, how much will this thing continue. When will God bless me with that which my soul desires? Will I be alive for this moment? I’m wondering more and more. I’ve read some of my bible after I went home some prophecies about the End Times, the book was Ezdra. After that listened a little of NiN feeled even more bad than before right now I’m listening again to http://www.christianindustrial.net. Lord where are you leading me too? Why don’t see a vision for my life? Does my life have really a meaning and what it is. I’ve googled for some time for a phrase like “Christianity not working for me” and found a page which claimed. There is no life after death as classical Christianity claims and that heaven and hell are internal states experienced, here on earth, I think maybe there is some truth in this to some extent. Guess time will show (Or maybe Death).
Heya. Few weeks I can’t take the courage to write on the blog. But today I’m spiritually (Praise be to God!). So I was able to write that. The day passed away in a very traditional way. I went to the collage in 10:15 instead of 08:15 again I was not able to stand up from the bed. We had some International Law lectures up to 11:30, after that we drank coffee with Nomen. Smoked few cigarettes. Later on I had a Deutsch 12:30 to 15:45. We made a test the time between 14:15 – 15:45 ( I was not ready for that test ofcourse :] ). No matter price be to God I succeded to write stuff in the test. After that I spoke fo 1.5 h with the College Sys Admin we discussed mine idea to migrate some Windows 98 boxes to just dumb terminals connecting to a central Terminal Server. In monday maybe we’ll start doing the terminal server. Other things I saw Nomen and Habib in 17:10 in the college. Mitko give a promise to Malin to check something on his computer, so we had to go Malin’s home. So we went there nothing special their we put Habib in front of the Malin’s home door and he rang we with mitko hide and watched. Dori (The woman of Malin), went out looking shocked at Habib, she was possible wondering who is that strange (nigga like guy). Habib said: “Malin, Vkyshti” :]. Dori said: “Malin ne vkyshti” then we showed ourself and laughed;] We tried to fix the malin’s problem with the Audio Drivers but was not able the problem seemed to be a hardware one. After that we went to Mino’s coffee we saw Miro and Gosho with Zuio Kiro and Maya. We drinked some beer and went our homes. End of story. The last days were hard for me. I really have no idea where my life is going into nomatter I hope God will think about me a good way the best way. I had a big spiritual pain over the last days, and I said to God a lot of times I hope he will take me away, from this hellish earth. But I guess his plan is another for me. Will live and will see. Now God Even now you see me. Please help me fix the mess I am into and forgive me for all my awful deeds. Will go now. Blessings in the name of Jesus Christ.